Sunday, April 24, 2011

Do we need Santa, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy?


For those of you that have children did you choose to make them believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, tooth fairy etc or did you decided not to do so and why?

In this day and age of mass consumerism, young children are targeted very early on with what they should want and can't possibly live without and how does a strange red man or giant talking rabbit make that ok?


As a child I was petrified of Santa, he was a large, angry red man with an ugly mask that made bizarre noises that was meant to be laughter, I think he smelt vaguely of stale tobacco and wine, I cried!! I remember pushing madly away from his clutches as he gripped tighter on my by now petrified little body! I felt betrayed that my parents would make me do that AND they laughed and said I was silly! Ahhh hello!!! Scary man is SCARY!!

Waking up with my Easter chocolates on my bed also worried me, it meant I had been visited by a giant rabbit during the night!! What if he had mistaken me for a carrot?? What if he had rabies or Myxomawhatsit?? We’ve all seen Donnie Darko right?? I mean what kind of strange demonic power makes a rabbit that big?? What happens when it poops? I spent the day looking for fur and shit! I had a pet rabbit, it committed suicide by jumping off our 4 story balcony on the day I was going to take it to show and tell! I have never forgiven it! I still remember peering over the railing at the little red and white speck below! Why I asked, wasn’t it happy?? Didn’t it love me? I imagined this giant smelly rabbit looking at me as I slept with its large pink nose twitching and its long sharp teeth mere centimetres away from my sweet baby face! But wait there’s CHOCOLATE!! YAYAYAYAYAYAGIMMEEEEEEE!

I also seemed to figure it all out at a young age, but then again I don’t think my parents were big on keeping up the facade. I think they gathered rather early on that I wasn’t overly enthralled or impressed with the whole scene.

So why do we lie and deceive a child from the time they can walk? Most parents use it as a disciplinary tool starting sometimes months before the event with “if you don’t behave and are a good boy/girl Santa won’t bring you any presents!” Or “You won’t get any Easter eggs if you keep screaming like that now get up and move it missy!” WTF? I lived in fear that my normal behaviour as a child would incite anger from the “Red Bastard” or the “Demented Rabbit” I also started wondering about the fairness of it all when little Mary down the road got a friggen pony!! I knew she was the baddest most spoilt little bitch in my street that had broken one of my toys just the week before, and all I got was some colouring books and a puzzle!! How come poor Fritz only got an orange and he was so good it was pathetic?? Explain that ANGRY RED DUDE!!!

So I guess as someone without a kid and hoping that I may yet have one, I find myself wondering if I would make them believe in these things or not? Why did/do you? I get that kids need magic but surely there is plenty of other magic without the bizarre worship to the Altar of the credit card? Would I steal Santa and the beloved Bunny away from my kids?? I really don’t know! Do I want to be a part of the unfairness of mass consumerism where you are only as good as daddy’s pay cheque allows you to be? No I don’t! I ask myself is it right to teach kids that lies and deception and manipulation are ok to get what you want? And what about the BLACKMAIL people?? If you do this you will get that, if you are good you will get a bigger present! What about all the kids living below the poverty line?? They are good, they are just as deserving of the big angry Red Man and Giant Rabbit but, how do we explain that because you are poor those bastards don’t love you as much??

Friday, February 11, 2011

Grease, Oil change and a Rebore!!

We are in Brisbane for an appointment with our new fertillity specialist and for me to get a hyst, biopsy and lipoidal flush done.

Ok so a recap of events so far .....

It was an interesting day yesterday! At 5.30am leave home and drive to Canberra.  We arrive airport and settle down for coffee. Pete takes his time I start to twitch. So we ended up getting called over the intercom for the plane as we're running late. 

Get to Brissy walk up huge mountain from Central Station to Wickham Trce. We have to leave bags at hotel as its too early to get in. It starts raining. Walk out and I promptly fall over slipping on one of those metal grates that has taken on the characteristics of an ice rink. I scraped the skin off my knees. Pete picks me up saying that was so totally ungainly and in his words "like a big sack of potatoes" ok I suck up the tears!

Get to appointment with Wazza, the golden god of IVF and we both love him instantly!!! I cry because we wish we had been with him from start. He decides to show Pete what a pap smear looks like ummmm.....ok then!! I get more sympathy for that than my sack of potatoes imitation!! I throw myself at Wazza and hug him. Poor man was a bit startled. We walk out and I declare to Pete "I love Wazza and want to have his baby!" Pete pats my arm. 

Next is my appointment with the Anaesthatist who promptly tells me I am fat and should consider losing weight. I resist the temptation of telling him he was old, skinny and will die soon!! I act all shocked! I never knew OMG when did that happen? He interrupts me often so I don't get to give him my excuses.  We work out how not to kill me and he will set up a glucose drip and my beloved Fentanyl. He spends most of the time looking at my cleavage!! YEAH bet your skinny arse wife don't have them apples!!! I ask if we should pay now and he says "no no no we'll send it" I asked if that was so I didn't have a heart attack in his office! He said "hardly I'm one of the cheapest ones around" to which I replied "you may be cheap but your not easy" I don't think he smiled. 

That evening we set out for dinner. I wanted Indian and there was even a restaurant in Wickham Terrace but Noooooooooooooooo Pete suggested Pancake Manor after we'd walked to Queens St. By now my knees are stiff as is my back and wrists. I smile bravely as I have those fat words in my ears and we continue the epic stroll!  We make it to the PANCAKE place!! My eyes glaze over at the chocolate pancakes with cream, ice-cream and hot, thick, chocolate fudge!!! But I decide on a fairly fat free alternative (those words again) ordering the mexican crepe. I wait for Pete to order expecting he is having trouble choosing between the 4 or 6 stack! The little skinny waiter comes over takes mine then we stare expectantly at the man I have walked all this way for to order!! "I'll have the chicken burger thanks mate" ummm what? I breath deeply. "Babe why are you not getting pancakes??" he replies he doesn't "feel like them!" I stare incredulously. He looks nervously back. "I like it here" is his reason. I could have eaten Indian or at one of a million places along the way but nooooo I thought you wanted a fucking pancake!!   Pete feels uncomfortable with his meal. He says "it's wrong to have an egg on the chicken burger!" I guffaw loudly and tell him he has just eaten the circle of life!

So after having walked my sore stiff arse off I know its made no difference anyway so decide to have cake and coffee whilst waiting to go into movies so I can be 5 kilos heavier for the fucker tomorrow!! Should have had my chocolate pancakes!!

Pete wanted to see "The Green Hornet" in 3D no doubt!  I groan inwardly once again as my futile attempts at steering him towards the Matt Daemon “Hereafter” movie.  Whilst sitting in movies have noticed only crazy people seem to be out, we fear for our safety. My sore stiff knees won't allow for a fast get away. The 3D glasses are making me sneeze. Movie is so loud my ears start to bleed. Am sure the man in a trench coat in front of us just farted! Thankfully Pete suggests cab ride back to hotel after I point one out to him. 

So onto today!! After only a few hours sleep I console myself that drugs and general anaesthetic shall soon have me sleeping!! Woo hoo lucky me. Get to day theatre, ladies are lovely. Pete tells receptionist he wonders what time "Hooters" will be open. Young couple behind us stop breathing and move further back. I resist urge to slap the man!! We say our goodbyes me to get prodded and scraped and Pete off for some mammaries. Although I later learn that was a ruse he went shopping for me for a get well pressie a gorgeous black leather Fossil bag *blush* I decide to forgive him for pancake and Hooters section of time here so far. 

I get to put on the "one size fits all" gowns and the disposable undies only make it as far as above my knees. I sigh as the fat comments starts echoing around the room. I rip off undies in disgust. Consider keeping them for Pete to put on later but fear this some  how crosses over into "perverted sexual fantasy territory" and put them in the bin. The nurse assisting Mr U Needtoloseweight is a big girl like me and agrees knickers are bad. She says they often marvel at how women manage to get them on and how the nurses then struggle to cut them off again.  All modesty requirements are now totally pointless and I turn around and bare my arse at the skinny anesthetist. The girls and I joke around a bit. I tell them how mean Dr Needtoloseweight is. One says feel sorry for his poor wife! I ask with all sincerity if he allows her to eat more than one meal a day!! We all laugh more! Then in comes "I am a golden god" Wazza. I say "No one is allowed to make fun of me being fat when I'm under!"  He pats my arm "Rubbish!" he says "you aren't fat you're curvy!" I gaze at him with slightly manic devotion ..... 1 2 3 snore!!

Recovery goes well, pain quite sharp but more fentanyl does the trick and a few heat packs. Wazza comes by to check on me 3 times like OMG the clouds have parted and the angels sing!! Wazza tells Pete his "Little" girl is fine, her cervix is as tight as a fishes arse so had to dilate me but he is happy with how things are in there. He shows me photos of red circles I nod and grin!! 

In a lovely hotel now near airport, had a sleep and some panadol. We might watch a movie have dinner in bed. Am glad it's all over. I feel this is the closest we have come to this all working. Will be onto Viagra pessaries tomorrow (dear lord) then injecting clexane starts Monday. That's it for now beautiful friends!  Sigh. It's been a long 2 days. Love you all xx