Sunday, December 5, 2010

Thoughts and Ramblings on IVF

What makes us go though the emotional, financial, physical and spiritual torment that is IVF?

I am often in awe at the woman who just don’t give up. I am facing a daunting 2011 where I fear my dreams of being the mum I always thought I would, will come to an end. As I sit in yet another 2ww I am racked with fear. Another BFN? More than likely. I have tried it all, the staying positive, the visualizations, the deep breaths, the nurturing, the self talk. I admit I am tired, tired of trying to stay positive that this will be “the one” I think I am also scared to hope, scared to get my hopes up. The let down gets harder each time.

I am getting older, with it comes fear of the “is it too late” questions. I know for some it never is, they are young at heart, slim, fit and vibrant. I already struggle to sit on the floor, kneel and bend, the years of hormonal problems and now IVF drugs have blown me up, I am heavy, I am not as fit as I want to be. I wish I could change that but am tired of fighting with a body that won’t listen. I don’t want to have a child and die whilst they are little. I don’t want to leave my partner behind to raise them as a single dad. I want to be here for at least another 30 years. Am I selfish? There are also many parents that die at a young age, life has no guarantees.

Our last transfer I was convinced (for the first time) that I really was pregnant, I am in tune with my body, I am in tune with my womb, I feel it. I felt the implantation and then just as clearly when they let go. It was late at night and as I laid in bed with my hand on my tummy I felt the sharp sad pain of release, I knew, I don’t know how but I knew that they were there no more. As I cried in the darkness I felt the futility of what I was trying to achieve. I still do not understand why my life has ended up this way.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my 2ww, the 1st few days are filled with hope, I can feel the awesomeness of a beginning, a chance, a small 4 cell embryo that may choose to come into this world, a spark, no more than the tiniest of pulses not yet a heart beat but the thought of one. With-in 4 days I am convinced it has not worked, I feel angry, I feel a failure, I feel cursed. Why does my body not accept this sentient being? Is the universe that unkind? How can it say I can’t be a mother when there are so many out there that hate that roll, I read about children being abused, beaten and neglected, how can there be a god that would let a child live in those circumstances yet not let one enter into my life. How can the universe say I am not meant to be a mum when all I have ever done is good for others. I have sacrificed a lot in life. Surely there must be something to show at the end of my struggle?

Then around the 7-8 day mark I think I feel it, a connection, yes it is there, I can feel you baby, mummy loves you so so much, oh the fun we will have, I can smell you, touch you, watch you smile, how tiny your hands and feet. In a few years we are running on the beach, I laugh as your daddy takes you into the water and you squeal and splash about, more sun block and please keep your hat on. I take so many photos, never tiring of your beautiful face. I feel so proud of you, I soak up your laughter like a sponge. Your daddy is amazing, he makes you laugh till you are nearly sick, I have to scold him, he wraps you in his arms, I watch as you kiss his cheek and smile. He loves you like I do.

By day 10 I have started to POAS, I know I know it’s early, I shouldn’t be doing it, I can’t stop, I want to see those 2 lines so much, I never have you know. I have never experienced the elation of a positive test. How will I feel, OMG I would faint. So I try, I look hard, every angle, in the sunlight, I tilt it, I press it to my heart then look again, is there something??? No. Oh well, it’s early right. I try again the next morning, my heart is full of hope, by now I am trying to convince myself I am even though I know I am not. Still that line eludes me. Maybe the test is faulty. Damn it!! I hate you world. I stand and look into the mirror, My eyes are dull, the shadows darker. My lips hold no smile. Deep breath, there is always tomorrow.

Blood test soon, it won’t be a shock, yes I know not pregnant, no HCG, no worries! Why? Why? Why? What did I do wrong? I had a good lining, I had a good egg. What is wrong with me? Another precious embryo wasted, how can it be. Others get pregnant the 1st time they try. Why am I so pathetic? How can I call myself woman! I am a dried up old hag! Day of the blood test, I sit in the car and cry before I get my blood taken. I know it is negative but the insane part of me whispers what if it’s not! I look at my partner, he feels so bad, he tried so hard to make it better but he can’t. With each touch and hug I cry harder. The phone call comes. Hurried receptionist the other side, how many calls has she made already, sorry Leslie it’s not positive ok thank you goodbye!!!! Does she know the pain? The wound? The agony?

One day I want her to call with excitement and laughter! Good news you have a positive, your HCG is 459!! Really?? Are you sure? Ohhh ohhhhhhhh how much? Is that good? What now? What’s my progesterone? What do I do? Ohhhhh are you sure? I hug myself tight. Could it really be? Honey we are pregnant! I have a baby growing inside me, Ohh my god. I am so scared, will it stay? I can’t lose it. I can’t deal with that. Please no, don’t let that happen. Please let it stay and be healthy so that one day I can laugh and smile at your pure beauty and innocence and wonderment. Yes I am your mamma, let me hold you tight, let me do the best I can to make you happy and content. We are here sweetheart. We love you more than life itself. We can’t wait to show you the world. Please come soon. My heart keeps breaking. Where are you? I have waited so long. Please come soon!